And here’s something else that would never happen to a man…
Jane Smith is a character in A Philosopher, A Psychologist, and An Extraterrestrial Walk into a Chocolate Bar. And she started this. Everyone else is supposed to finish it. Well, add to it. (It’s unlikely it’ll ever be finished.)
When one of my neighbours developed […]
Jane Smith’s Translation Dictionary of Everyday Lies, Insults, Manipulations, and Clueless Comments
Jane Smith is a character in A Philosopher, A Psychologist, and An Extraterrestrial Walk into a Chocolate Bar. And she started this. Everyone else is supposed to finish it. Well, add to it. (It’s unlikely it’ll ever be finished.)
Bitch!
Waa-aa-ah!
Case closed.
[…]
Should we fund a mission to Mars?
Sure. Give us a bit of time and we can make that planet uninhabitable too.
One country, fearing the loss of cheap oil, which happened to be located in another country, dropped bombs on that country, seeming to forget for a moment that oil was, well, flammable.
Not to worry. The other country remembered: fearing the loss of control over their oil, they set fire to it.
Men who think size matters are usually – fat.
One country, fearing the loss of cheap oil, which happened to be located in another country, dropped bombs on that country, seeming to forget for a moment that oil was, well, flammable.
Not to worry. The other country remembered: fearing the loss of control over their oil, they set fire to it.
A church group at the University of Texas is promoting Christian faith as the best way to avoid abduction by aliens.
Well yeah. Any aliens that come here won’t be that stupid.
(Then again, any aliens that come here–)
Investigators of yet another stigmata “miracle” discovered that the red stuff seeping from the wounds of a crucified Christ figure was indeed genuine human blood.
Wouldn’t that cast doubt – on the ‘son of a god’ thing?
Why did the guardian angel cross the road?
To be with his imaginary friend.
Men who think size matters are usually – fat.
On a regular basis, men enter a ring and punch each other repeatedly in the head.
This causes brain damage.
Well, more brain damage.
Critics are reminded that the participants are consenting adults.
That’s the part we don’t get.
In our society, girls still get the impression that men as a whole are better than women. After all, they’re the presidents and the CEOs and even the supervisors.
But when you raise a girl to believe that all men are better than her, you raise her to date, have sex with, fall in […]
When there’s a train wreck or something, survivors often attribute their good fortune to God. They walk around saying “It’s a miracle! Praise the Lord!”
That happened to me once. I was driving back from a business meeting with my pompous little shit of a supervisor and we got into a three-car pile-up. He was […]
Did you hear about that Amish kid who got caught reading porn?
His parents confiscated his entire collection of Car & Driver and Popular Mechanics.
You know what women like about their periods? They’re regular. They’re every 28 days, give or take.
Wouldn’t it be nice if men knew when they were being taken over by their chemicals?
I applaud the idea of god as a woman.
It’s a sure-fire way to make “him” non-existent.
Or at least totally inconsequential.
Anti-gun law advocate and pastor of the New Life Christian Fellowship, Herbert Kershaw, accidentally shot himself to death while demonstrating gun safety to his family.
[And I just now realized the second way in which that’s funny.]
Who was Cain’s wife?
If it was Eve, then we’re the result of inbreeding all the way back.
Which, now that I think of it, explains a lot.
And if it was someone else – who created her?
I don’t understand all the anger about discontinuing “The Prayer” in schools, courtrooms, council meetings, and other public places.
We’re not trying to stop you from praying wherever and whenever you want – we’d just rather you not be such an exhibitionist about it.
Those people who become ‘born again’?
I guess that’s one way to avoid growing up.
So I was talking to some non-practising Catholics the other day.
Told them I was a non-practising saint.
The Road Trip Dialogues – free for a limited time!
(yeah, yeah, trying out a promotional strategy)
Speaking of which, the Pope says that if a man with HIV can’t abstain from intercourse, it’s better that he infect his wife than use a condom.
And I say that if a woman with PMS can’t resist a rage, it’s better that she gun down the Pope than take a Midol.
Speaking of creation, if God made everything, who made God?
If he just always was, then why couldn’t it be that everything else just always was?
And if he made himself, well, I guess that means he can go fuck himself!
It seems to me God’s a little obsessed with sex – so many stories in The Bible involve rape, incest, whoring, lust, coveting thy neighbour’s wife, deflowering virgins…
He’s also a little obsessed with food – what to eat, when to eat.
Guess that’s what happens when you’re non-corporeal.
Or maybe he just lies a lot.
He promised Jacob that he would return from Egypt (Gen 46:3,4), but he didn’t – he died there (Gen 49).
So it would seem that ‘God said so!’ is not exactly a solid claim to legitimacy.
Or could be he’s just wrong a lot.
He said that Adam would die on the day he ate the apple (Gen 2:16,17), but he didn’t (Gen 3:17; Gen 5:3).
He told Jehoiakim that he wouldn’t have a son (Jer 36:30), but he did (2 Kgs 24:6).
Or maybe he just changes his mind a lot.
Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; no, wait, ye shall not eat of them that chew the cud or of them that divide the cloven hoof. (Gen 9:3; Deut 14:7)
Ye are saved through grace, not works. (Eph 2:8,9) By works a man is justified. (Jas 2:24)
I am a jealous God visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generations. (Ex 20:5) The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father. (Ezek 18:20)
Peace I […]
I used to be pissed because none of Christ’s disciples were women.
Then I realized what a sorry lot of gullible schmucks they were, traipsing along after a total stranger, leaving at a moment’s notice their families, their jobs – “Hey, come follow me! I’m a god! No, really! Look – there, that bush […]
According to Roman Catholics, thanks to Eve, and our forbidden-fruit knowledge of good and evil, we’re born sinners.
So what, blessed are the psychopaths?
There’s something fundamentally wrong with prayer.
It doesn’t work.
At the gas station, I saw a couple guys on their way to their hunt camp.
“How many squares did ya bring?” the one asked the other.
A case of 24 bottles of beer is not square. It’s rectangular.
And God help us, they’re the ones with all the spatial ability.
Don’t leafblowers make an awful noise? It’s such an irritating whine.
You know why, dontcha? Because they were made for men – by men.
That’s probably why the damned things don’t even really clean up the leaves, they just move the mess from one place to another.
Why did God forbid knowledge of good and evil?
Could it be he didn’t want us to know what an evil messed up sonuvabitch he was?
(Given that he proceeded to order mass murders left, right, and center – the Hittites, the Girgashites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, the Jebusites, […]
According to The Bible (2 Sam 23:8,18; 1 Chr 11:11), some guy named Adino killed 800 men in a single battle, and Abishai and Jashobeam each killed 300.
Who were these guys? Even if that single battle lasted a full 24 hours, that’s at least 12 killed per hour. Which is one every five […]
And Moses. God gave him the Top Ten Commandments, all engraved in stone yet, but he didn’t give him a lousy map.
He knew he wouldn’t stop and ask for directions.
And O Creator of Everything, how can you not once even mention DNA?
(Not in Genesis, not in Revelation…)
Chapter 28 of Deuteronomy says that if we don’t hearken unto God’s voice, he’s going to smite us with consumption, fever, inflammation, burning, hemorrhoids, the scab, the itch, and the botch of Egypt.
Oh no! The botch of Egypt!
Catholics believe in the doctrine of ‘original sin’: just by being born, we bring sin into the world.
So shouldn’t they approve of abortion?
Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up. (Hos 13:16)
Dash their children, and rip up their women with child. (2 Kgs 8:12).
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. (Ps 137:9)
They shall have no pity on the fruit […]
For the record, I don’t become bitchy for a few days a month.
I develop a heightened sensitivity to your many flaws.
How a Dog is Not Like a Kid
1. A dog is generally kept on a leash when in public.
2. When a kid gets tired in public, it whines and tugs and whines – instead of quietly curling up and falling asleep. At your feet.
3. A dog can be ‘toilet-trained’ in a week […]
Studies show that people with mentors advance in their careers more than those without mentors.
See, I’ve never had a mentor.
‘Course, I’ve never had a career.
So I was looking for a job, and everyone kept saying “You’re overqualified.”
Yeah, well, the jobs I’m qualified for are filled.
By men.
“I mean, we protect you,” he continued, “you benefit from our defence.”
Yeah right. Like the safest place to be is right beside the jerk who’s mouthing off and waving a big fat gun. Right beside the asshole everyone wants to just sit down and shut the fuck up.
An American told me once that they considered taking certain action against Canada, as revenge for not supporting them in one of their wars. “But,” he explained, “we sort of consider Canada our little brother, you know?”
Revenge for not supporting them? Who’s the little brother?
People who need people are – codependent.
Pitch for a sci-fi movie: A plague kills all the women on Earth except five, who manage to escape infection. On these five depend the continuation of the human species.
And when the men find them, it takes all of fifteen minutes to rape them to death.
(A very short sci-fi movie.)
What’s scary about the development of intelligent computers or biochemical roots is not that they might some day pass whatever test we come up with to determine if they meet the criteria for being a conscious human being.
What’s scary is that on that day, a good number of the rest of us might not.
I guess there’s nothing wrong with believing there’s life after death.
Unless, of course, you’re my surgeon!
Chapter 2 of Kings says that God arranged to have 42 children killed by bears because they teased a bald guy.
I betcha God’s bald.
Research continues to show that the older you get, the less likely you are to get married.
Well yeah. Because the older you get, the less likely you are to be deluded.
I once saw three big fish in a teeny little front yard pond.
Must’ve taken a whole two seconds for Bob to swim from one end to the other, passing Harry, and back, passing Joe.
I sure hope all three have that short-term memory thing where you can’t remember what you just did.
One of the biggest problems facing humanity today is how to get rid of the men. I have the solution. We turn them into women.
Most of them will then kill themselves, unable to deal with their new subordinate status.
I read the other day about the new proposed crime, “negligent rape”, in which a man fails to notice a woman’s lack of consent.
Guys. How can you fail to notice “GET THE FUCK OFF ME!”?
It’s always pissed me off how men seem to make every little thing they do so important. They put on such a serious face. Even if they’re just tying their shoelaces.
Turns out I’ve been giving them way too much credit. They’re not conveying importance. They’re just concentrating really really hard.
I was reading the other day about cave art, how there are a lot more pictures of animals drawn in profile and than in frontal view. Apparently because the frontal view is a sophisticated perspective requiring cognitive skills present only in more evolved brains.
There’s a simpler explanation. The guys who actually saw a woolly […]
According to Biblical accounts, God’s commanded the deaths of 185,000 Assyrians, 120,000 Midianites, 120,000 Judeans, 100,000 Syrians, 24,000 Israelites, and 10,000 Moabites.
Now, he’s obviously rounding off to the nearest thousand, and I have to tell you, that lack of attention to detail bothers me.
“Y’know why women can’t play poker?” this guy asked me once.
“’Cuz they’re no good at bluffing.”
Well, I guess you’ve never had sex with a woman then, eh?
George Carlin with Tourette’s Syndrome:
“Republican! Priest!”
The Bible continues to appear on bestseller lists even though the plot is repetitious, the characters are unlikeable, the dialogue, unrealistic, and the tone, juvenile.
And much of it just fucking doesn’t make sense: “Wherefore my sentence is, that we trouble not them, which from among the Gentiles are turned to God” (Acts 15:19). […]
All those women in tv ads that are so happy that their eyelashes can now be ultra-curled, ultra-lengthened, and ultra-thickened — if my eyes were that vacant, I sure wouldn’t want to draw attention to them.
No wait a minute. If I were that vacant — I guess I would.
Have you seen those extra large chocolate bars with the re-sealable packages?
Why would you need a re-sealable package on a chocolate bar?
Who came up with the name ‘Viagra’?
I guess it’s supposed to sound like ‘Niagara’.
But it’s ‘Niagara Falls‘.
Better to have chosen ‘Geyser’.
‘Course that sounds too much like ‘Geezer’.
They should’ve just gone with ‘Hamburger Helper’.
Have you seen that show “Dogs with Jobs”?
I’ve got a companion show to pitch. “Cats on Unemployment.”
At every age over fifteen, more women than men receive treatment for mental health problems.
Scarey, eh? All those men walking around out there – untreated.
High school sucked, didn’t it.
And those were the best years of our lives.
They say curiosity killed the cat.
Maybe the first eight times.
The ninth time? That had to’ve been stupidity.
Got a donation request the other day from the Alzheimers’ Society.
And I was actually gonna write out a cheque.
But then I – forgot.
The companies putting CFCs into the atmosphere, wrecking the ozone, and giving us all skin cancer?
Serve us right if they were all owned by rich black people.
Someone once told me that the virus is the only life form that requires a higher life form in order to replicate.
They obviously forgot about men.
A group of hunters is protesting elk farms.
Because they’re unethical.
Right.
They’re just pissed because the farmers are taking away their fun.
Well, fair’s fair.
I say let the cows loose.
The word ‘wife’ first referred to those women who were captured, after the invasion and conquest of a neighbouring tribe, and brought home to be slaves. ‘To have and to hold’ is in fact a legal expression used to transfer possession of a piece of property.
In Canada, one in four wives is severely […]
Ya gotta love automated answering systems.
Press 1 for sales, 2 for service, and 3 if you have no short-term memory whatsoever.
Heard this guy say the other day that women can’t do jobs that involve heavy machinery.
What do you guys do with it all day – carry it?
Got one word for you: forklift.
That ‘don’t-ask-don’t-tell’ thing the military has going?
How can they face the enemy if they can’t even face homosexuality?
I heard someone say the other day say “Wouldn’t it be great if we could travel through time?”
Hello. We travel from yesterday to today – every day.
So my Christmas gift for my nephew was apparently “inappropriate”.
Explain to me why toy guns are okay, but toy thumbscrews are considered sick?
Have you heard –- armies use radioactive bullets.
Guess when you get hit, you glow in the dark.
So much for that brand new camouflage outfit.
So deer season was a couple weeks ago. I saw some guy standing in the bush a few metres off the road, waiting, rifle ready.
“You’re not gonna kill the mom and two little fawns we see around here, are you?” I asked.
“Oh, we’ll try not to!” he smiled.
What’s to try? Unload the […]
Each year, 100 men kill their female partners, but only 3 women kill their male partners.
I figure hey – there’s a market potential for assertiveness training seminars.
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Define ‘light bulb’.
How do you turn a rainforest into a desert?
Eat a hamburger.
What’s another word for unannounced nuclear test?
Accident.
Why is Aunt Jemima a maid and Uncle Ben a chef?
And Mr. Clean – yeah right.
Speaking of washrooms, I was in one the other day. A women’s washroom. In one of the government buildings.
And as I was in one of the stalls, I happened to read the little sign on that little box. It said “For your convenience, a sanitary receptacle is provided in this cubicle. You are […]
Why did the paranoic cross the road?
Why do you ask?
Why did the multiple personality cross the road?
Are you asking me?
Why did the hallucinating person cross the road?
To follow the chicken.
Why did the masochist cross the road?
He didn’t. Because the grass was greener.
Why did the delusional person cross the road?
Because he thought the grass was greener on the other side.
Why did the passive personality cross the road?
Because I told him to.
Why did the passive personality cross the road?
Because I told him to.
Did you know there’s an international law that says you can’t use weapons that cause “unnecessary suffering”?
Blowing your right leg off, that was necessary.
But the left leg, gee, I’m sorry about that, that was unnecessary, wasn’t it.
According to Manly Palmer Hall, “We are all healthy when we are not thinking about ourselves.”
Speak for yourself.
I’m not such a basket case that I can’t bear the thought of me.
Isn’t it amazing what biological research is doing for agriculture?
We have nectarines – a peach without the fuzz.
And seedless grapes – that must have been a trick.
And now “boneless chicken”.
Wouldn’t that make life in the barnyard a little difficult?
Women, don’t you just hate having PMS? Being all irritable and angry for a few days each month.
But hey, at least we’re not men.
They have PMS all month long.
It’s called testosterone.
The guy on the freeway leaning on his horn and slamming into you? That’s not road rage, that’s a man with […]
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill said, “Clumsy!”
